From Grief to Healing
By Warren Pattison
Like many men in Illuman, my journey began through the work of Richard Rohr. I read Rohr for many years and found life and deep insight in his tapes (yes, that ancient technology) on the Great Themes of Scripture. I read his daily email devotions and learned more about the CAC. It was years before the algorithm of YouTube finally led me to a talk by Fr. Rohr on male initiation. I was fascinated and picked up copies of Wild Man to Wise Man and Adam’s Return. I learned about Illuman and Soularize and was particularly excited because it was in New Mexico, the state of my birth and where many members of my dad’s family still live.
My first in-person Illuman event was Awaken 2023 at Shrine Mont, VA. There I encountered the awkward power of Illuman ritual, the generativity of a fellowship of men unlike anything I had ever experienced, and the challenge, comfort, and community of Council.
I came to Awaken a few months after a years-long bout with major treatment-resistant depression. That was the darkest time in my life, and I honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it out alive. I was finally feeling like my old self after some miraculous medical intervention (if anyone wants to discuss the life-saving power of ketamine, let me know). In Council, I found a safe place to name that pain in a group of men who were there to receive and simply be present, not to fix it. Of all the amazing and challenging things I encountered at my first Awaken, it was the gift of Council that I carried with me as I left the sanctuary of Shrine Mont.
I decided later that fall to attend the MROP at Aravaipa Canyon in the spring of 2024. I carried what felt like a ton of grief into the MROP: grief around my own desire a year before to end my own life and the pain that would have caused my family and friends. Grief around people who had died in the previous four months: 10 family members and friends, including one who died by suicide, leaving behind his ex-wife and two young children. Grief around hurt, a lack of connection, and the need for reconciliation with my family of origin. Grief and anxiety around the direction of the church I love, as our denominational meeting was happening that week in Charlotte, NC, and one of the issues was LGBTQ+ inclusion in the church, something I have been fighting for all of my adult life. Grief around my own addiction to perfectionism and the pain it wrought on me and those around me.
There in Aravaipa, I felt the arms of the canyon welcome me as I embarked on the journey to come home to myself. Brothers surrounded me and the other initiates as we tackled the work before us. It was indeed a liminal space, a holy, thin place where the veil between what has been and what can be was only a whisper of the wind.
One morning I found myself wading into the stream at the bottom of the canyon, using a walking stick I found nearby for stability. I stood there for a while, feeling the cool water run over my feet and watching the sunlight reflect off the gently gurgling water. Then my attention turned to the leaves floating by, just “doing their thing” as they allowed the current to carry them downstream. It was a living Psalm.
Suddenly, the grief I had been carrying exploded in a wail and a flood of tears. After the ugly cry subsided, I felt called to gather some of the leaves and to begin to name the people and sources of grief I was feeling. One by one, I held each leaf in front of me. I named the person or situation and offered love to them. After the naming, I kissed the leaf, held it to my chest, felt my heartbeat, visualized the healing of what was hurting, and then released it into the current of the stream, watching it float downstream and out of sight. Though much of the grief remained, I felt the release of naming it and beginning the journey toward healing.
I’ve been blessed to continue that journey of illumination and healing through subsequent Illuman experiences such as online council, Awaken, stoker training, curriculum development, leading a local council, and working with other men in Florida to better establish Illuman here. I am grateful for the journey and for the men who accompany me on it.
Warren lives in Lakeland, Florida, with his wife, son, and dog named Nugget. He convenes a monthly in-person Council there. If you’ve been moved by his story, let him know! His email address is wwpattison@gmail.com.